Relationships, we can't go without having them, this life is all about them. And yet, they are some of the most challenging aspects of being human. We are born into relationship and we live our lives affecting and affected by them. And unfortunately, we are running our relationships from a default recording. Most of us weren't taught how to communicate in a way that is effective, we didn't learn how to ask for what we need and want, and we certainly didn't learn that connection affects our whole body from brain to heart, to gut, (including our sexual brake/accelerator system). We often struggle with setting boundaries, and can be triggered by the very people we are needing to trust and feel safe with.
In order to have access to our executive functioning brain, which is intimacy, connection, communication, safety, and fulfillment, we must feel safe/regulated. And, when we are triggered by our partner or family members, we do not feel safe. We shut down, escape and react. All of which exacerbate all the problems we are having in relationship. Sheesh!
So, how do we get to regulation and have real vulnerable connections with each other? Great question!
First, we have to stop thinking about relationships from an external perspective. Instead, we need to think of relationships from an internal perspective. That means we have to let some of the constructs we are having relationships in, shift into the back ground and look at what is going on inside us first.
Are we activated from a past hurt from childhood that we are reacting to in our relationship? If we are, it will greatly affect our ability to communicate and connect.
Are we stressed and overwhelmed from the world around us? Not getting enough sleep, not eating healthy, not getting any restoring time, like play, creative hobbies etc? If not, we are going to be in a threat response, in the bottom of our brain, unable to have empathy, compassion or organization, affecting our relationships.
What is our Attachment style? How does it affect our nervous system thus, how we do relationships. What kind of protest behavior is running on default? Gaining understanding about Attachment, can greatly inform our relationships.
Our internal and personal world affects our outer world, just as our outer world affects our inner world. We will never be not affected by both. Understanding ourselves and how we tick, will be key in having a healthy, connection with others. Once we gain insight about us, we will be able to gain the kind of relationship most of us only see in movies. You know the ones that seem like everything is gonna be OK, and love seems to win? That kind of relationship. That kind of relationship is possible, it's not ever perfect, but all of us can have healthy, supportive and caring relationships. Relationships where both partners feel safe, valid and heard.
When you come seeking support with me,
First I'll assess what's some of the big issues in your relationship
Then, we'll look at how it's affecting all involved.
We'll look at the records running under your thinking and behaviors and reprocess what needs to shift for safety, and connection.
And, I'll give you tools for maintaining and growing your relationship from a new healthy perspective and understanding.