Say "No" This Year: what Dr. Gabor Maté teaches us about the cost of not saying no — and how to reclaim our edges

There’s a line from Dr. Gabor Maté that keeps returning to me in session: “What is my body saying no to?” It’s such a small question, and yet it opens a doorway into everything from chronic tension in the shoulders to a lifetime of people-pleasing that quietly hollows you out. Maté’s work—rooted in trauma, attachment and the mind–body connection—reminds us that an inability to refuse isn't just an annoying habit. It’s a pattern with real consequences for our nervous system, our relationships, and even our health. (The Guardian) toolkit for saying no

If you’ve found yourself agreeing to things you don’t want, shrinking so others don’t feel uncomfortable, or piling tasks onto your plate because “someone has to,” this post is for you. I’ll share the essential idea Maté points to, what research says about learning to be more assertive, and practical, somatic-friendly ways to make 2026 the year you practice a wholehearted “no.”

Why saying “yes” all the time isn’t harmless

Maté reframes the problem: many of us learned to override our own needs in order to belong or to keep a caregiver safe. These survival strategies—contracted around pleasing, caretaking, or avoiding conflict—can become chronic patterns. Over time, ongoing self-suppression becomes stress that the body literally holds. Maté traces links between hidden emotional stress and physical illness in When the Body Says No, arguing that relentless internalized compliance can show up as inflammation, immune dysregulation, and other health problems. (Goodreads)

That’s not to pathologize kindness. Maté’s point is gentler but firmer: when “yes” becomes automatic, we’ve lost contact with an inner boundary. And that loss matters.

The science: being able to say “no” helps

You don’t have to take only Maté’s word for it. A growing body of research shows that assertiveness training and practices that increase boundary capacity lower stress, anxiety and even depressive symptoms. Studies across different groups—students, nurses, and general adult samples—find that learning to speak up and set limits improves mental health and reduces stress markers. In short: saying no is not selfish; it’s a health skill. (PMC)

There’s also clear overlap with what addiction and codependency literature says: when people cannot say no, they’re more vulnerable to taking roles and behaviors that mask pain—sometimes through caretaking, sometimes through substances—because the underlying need to feel safe and accepted was never addressed. Maté consistently frames addiction and codependency as creative but ultimately harmful solutions to unmet needs. (Pharmacy Times)

So how do we actually start saying no? (A gentle, pragmatic toolkit) toolkit for saying no

Here are somatic, relational, and language-based practices I borrow from Maté’s perspective and from therapeutic work that help people build the muscle of refusal without shame.

1. Start small — experiment with little nos. Practice with low-stakes situations: decline an extra cookie, say no to a text that isn’t urgent, or skip one volunteer shift. Small refusals teach your nervous system that no = survivable.

2. Locate the sensation. Before you answer, check in with your body: where do you feel the pull to say yes? Tightness in the throat? A sinking in the belly? Naming the sensation (even silently) interrupts automatic compliance and reconnects you to your felt boundary.

3. Use scripts that protect relationships. If you worry about hurting someone, try phrases that are honest but gentle: — “I can’t take that on right now.” — “I’d like to, but I don’t have the capacity.” — “No, thank you — I’m not able to do that.” These keep the “no” short, clear, and non-apologetic.

Practice the “no + yes” formula.

 If you want to preserve connection, pair a refusal with an alternative: “I can’t lead that workshop this month, but I can recommend someone or help next quarter."

1. That protects the boundary while offering a bridge.

2. Name the story. When old guilt rises, say aloud (or to yourself): “I learned to do X to be safe. That was then.” Naming the narrative reduces shame and reclaims agency.

3. Build support and rehearsal. Rehearse refusals with a friend, coach, or therapist. Role-playing strengthens the voice that has been quieted.

4. Celebrate the micro-resistances. Each small no is a data point for your nervous system: you survived, the world didn’t end, and your sense of self grew a little.

An invitation, not a rule

Maté teaches us compassion for how these patterns form—and urgency about how costly they can become. Saying no is both a boundary and a medicine. This year, let “Say no” be a practice, not a harsh command. Practice it kindly, like an old muscle you’re slowly reclaiming. Your body will notice. Your relationships will breathe. And you’ll discover that refusing is sometimes the most loving thing you can do—for yourself and for others. (The Guardian)

Want to learn to be able to feel confident in saying "No?" We'll be practicing and learning more about what this means to your body at Attune & Restore Dec. 11th and Jan. 8th.

Register HERE for December Register HERE for January or Download Momence app and find Portal - Workshops.

May you know the power of a beautiful "No," this year.

Ali